Each time I would find out that my now ex husband had an affair during our marriage, I can honestly say that I did not blame the woman. That is not to say that I was not angry at them, but I blamed him more. My husband was supposed to be the one to protect me and our kids. Those women had no concern or connection to me or my family. They had made no promise or vow to love and protect me.
One day during marriage therapy session, after finding out about another affair, I told the therapist I want to know why he picks who he picks to have affairs with. He said “I pick the ones that require no effort, the easy ones to get”. His answer left me very sad. Not just sad for myself, but for so many women. I was sad because they were me. While he was not in a relationship or married when we met, I had no self esteem and did not believe I deserved much, so I was easy to get. He had to put forth no effort.
After we separated I wanted to reach out to these women. I wanted them to know they were not the only ones. I didn’t want to do this to hurt them, but I wanted them to know they deserve better. I knew reaching out to them as my wounds were still healing and some of the affairs were very recent, that anything I said could or would be taken wrong and seem that I was just bashing my ex husband or them, so I decided that I would wait for the right time.
Two years and seven months after our seperation and two months after our divorce was final, I wrote the following letter and sent it via Facebook Messenger to nine of the women I had names of that had interactions with my now ex husband.
Some of you may know me and some you may not. Up until March 17, 2014 I was married to ****. We were married just short of 20 years.
I have waited a long time to send all of you a letter, but not for the reason that you all may think. There are 9 of you, but I am not so stupid to believe that there are not more.
Some of you had affairs with my husband, some of you flirted, some of you had a 1 night stand, and there is even 1 of you that shot his advances down.
I am not here to tell you how you hurt my family. I am happy that I was strong enough to finally leave and if it is in God’s plan for me, I will one day be blessed with an honorable husband.
What I am here to tell you is that you are worth more than an affair, worth more than being a 1 night stand, worth more than sleeping with a married man.
We, as women, are the role models for young girls. What has amazed me is that most of you have daughters. I can’t imagine that you would ever hope that a woman would put herself out there for your daughter’s husband. I can’t imagine that you would ever want your daughter to sleep with a married man. I was shocked that some of you even introduced your children to ****.
He told me that he would tell all of you that his marriage was on the rocks. That was not true. Do not believe a married man’s marriage is suffering until you see the signed papers and the divorce is final.
No matter how you feel about the wife, think about the children. My kids went through things that no child should have to go through. I have been very open with them and believe they will grow up to be wonderful husbands.
He also told me and the therapist that the way he would pick the women he would sleep with were the ones that required no effort, the ones that would just sleep with him. Please, make a man work for you. For ****, it was never about YOU, you could have been ANYBODY. You are worth the effort.
Believe it or not, I felt sorry for you. Though, at the time, I raged at you in my head, loathed the look of you, wanted to spit each time I said your name, and shower each time I imagined the two of you together. I nonetheless felt a sliver of pity for you, because no one does this unless they value themselves so little that they settle for another’s scraps rather than demand respect and kindness. Or unless they are so delusional that they really believe that this is how true love manifests.
Had this letter been written a while ago, it would have been filled with hate and blame. That is not the case today. I believe women need to know their worth. My favorite verse is Proverbs 4:23 Protect your heart, for all things good flow from it.
To the one that shot down ****’s advances, I saw the conversations and repeated advances and I appreciate you. Women have to stick by each other and not try to tear each other down. I hope that all of you have found wonderful men now. Don’t forget to protect your heart, yourself, your family, believe in yourself, and know that you are worth more.
I know that most of you are now curious if I got any responses. Yes, I did. The first was from a woman trying to justify everything she did. The second response shocked me. She thanked me for sending the letter and apologized. She said “I admire and respect you”, “I am sorry for my part in this”, and “I was very troubled and hurt many people, mostly myself”. We ended up having a very healing conversation for us both and have not communicated since.
Ladies, y’all are worth so much more than a man that just wants what is easy. If you can take care of yourself, love yourself, and know your worth, then when a man comes along that is interested in an honest relationship with you, he will know that to win your heart it will require some effort.