I can not begin to tell you the times that I have wondered why things were happening the way they were in my life.
I am not talking about the things I caused by my actions or not preparing. Not “why did I not make an A on a test, when I only prepared enough for a C” or “why do I keep gaining weight when I ate half of a pie and did not exercise”.
What I am talking about are the things that I prepared for that just did not seem to work out the way I had planned, why I didn’t get something I worked hard for, or why something was taking longer than it should have taken.
When I was going through my divorce it should have been pretty cut and dry. We were not arguing over anything and pretty much in agreement with each other as far as how things would be divided.
Weird things would happen. I didn’t even want to go through a trial or hearing (not sure what it is called). I just wanted to file the papers and be done. My thought was let’s just save money on lawyers and court fees, so when his lawyer filed the papers in a way in an odd way that forced me to have a lawyer and go through a lengthy process,I was frustrated and just mad about it. I saw it as wasting time and money.
A judge removed himself from our case, and after one was reassigned that judge took forever on everything, the judge requested what seemed like unnecessary papers from my now ex husband, and everything was just slow and drawn out.
I didn’t understand why something that seemed like it should be so simple would take so long. It did not make any sense to me.
Then things seemed to be calming down after the divorce and my path seemed clear with a job I loved, healthy kids, and clearance for me to now make plans for my life.
Wham! I lost my job that I loved that was filled with people I loved to be around. It was a bizarre situation. I had worked hard and they were pleased with my work. This was not the outcome I was looking for or had planned for.
Same when my brother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was hard for anyone to know what the plan was at the very beginning. Of course, all of the family wanted to get the best treatment for him and we wanted him to be able to go to MD Anderson in Houston, TX. We could not get anyone to call us back. I sent an email that was a plea for them to call us because we were feeling helpless. They did call my brother back. They did not have any appointment times for him, but could make one for several weeks out and call him if something came open, so that is what he did. In the meantime he was accepted into a trial treatment in NW AR. Shortly after the trial started, MD Anderson called to say they had an opening and could see him. If he went that would mean he could no longer do the trial, so he did not go. Why could they not have called just a few days earlier and he could have gotten treatment in Houston?
My divorce proceedings took a long 2 years and thank God (literally) that it did not all proceed the way I had planned, because God protected me from so many things not only in that moment, but for the years that have come since then. Even 9 years later something will come to light and I have to stop and say “God, that is why it happened the way it did. You protected me”.
After losing my job I moved to a new city and found a job that is a whole weird story in itself and had God’s hands all over it. I loved that job and was exactly where I needed to be, surrounded by people that I needed in my life and still need. My son went to a new school that he thrived at and made some Godly friends and teachers who are role models and will be in his life forever. The most unexpected, was that I am now married to the love of my life that would not have happened had I not moved to the new city.
My brother did not die suddenly without warning. I got a year with him. I am so thankful for that year. It was a year that was so hard on his body. It was also a year that I was able to say everything I wanted to say to him. We had deep conversations that we had not ever had before. Had he been able to go to Houston for treatment, he would have been ten hours from home, ten hours from friends and family, ten hours from a church he had started to attend, and ten hours from a town he loved.
After my brother’s funeral I was in his bedroom and I saw a yellow sticky note on his dresser. I recognized his handwriting, so I picked it up. He had been doodling on it and had written the words “Trust the Outcome”. I can only imagine what he was thinking when he wrote those words.
One day we may be able to look back and it all makes sense or maybe we will never be able to see the reasons that things happened the way they did, but what I do know is that we don’t have to understand the journey or even the outcome, but we have to trust the outcome.
Don’t try to change an outcome. Just pray about it, let it go, and trust God with the outcome.