A survey of step-kids revealed the number one mistake that a step-parent can make is not being genuine. The kids feel that if the step-parent is fake, they are not really needed in the family and will eventually fade away. Step-parents need to take care in their interactions with their step-children and be themselves, flaws and all. This will help them build a relationship with their step-kids that is based on trust and mutual respect. Keep reading to see what I learned when moving on after divorce.
My Experience As A Step-Parent
Step-kids are the real experts on how to be a good step-parent, so I turned to my biological children and step-children to get the scoop.
My two sons and two bonus sons were ages 22, 16, 15, and 13 when my husband and I married. We had each met each other’s kids four years earlier. Starting as friends and remaining only friends for quite some time gave us an advantage. The kids did not feel threatened. This other person introduced into their life was a friend and nothing more.
Blending Families
Our boys needed to know we were not trying to take the other parent’s place. We encouraged and supported the relationship they had with their other parents.
From the beginning of my relationship, I told my now stepsons, “I am not your mom. You have a mom. I promise to love you, support you, and protect you. I am part of your support team”. I said it so often that it was written into my vows when I married their Dad.
The Number One Rule As A Step-Parent
According to the ” experts, ” the one mistake a step-parent can make is rushing the relationship. Here are some ways they consider rushing:
- Don’t become involved in every child’s interest to win them over. Just because their favorite sport is baseball, don’t become a baseball expert and want to talk baseball with them all the time, even though you have never seen one game played.
- Don’t buy them things in hopes that they will like you. They will take what you purchase but can see right through you. Even though they are kids, they can tell if someone is being genuine.
- Don’t be overly affectionate to their parent and try to act like you are a family from the get-go. This is new to them, and to be honest, no one likes seeing their parents be mushy, especially if it is with a stranger.
The best thing to do is SLOW DOWN! The best relationships are ones with solid foundations.
Be Intentional With Relationships
My husband and I made sure our dates were when the kids were with their other parents. Did that limit the amount of time we got to spend together? Yes, but it also eased us into our relationship with the kids.
It would be best to remember that you don’t have to have everyone included in every activity or on every outing. Let the child still have time with their parent without you. To this day, I still take time to spend with my biological kids without my husband, and he does the same.
Be patient with the relationship. Follow the kids’ lead on how much they want you involved. Don’t try to force it if they are stand-offish or reluctant at first.
“I wish my parents and stepparents understood that you can’t just mash people together into the same house, call it a family, and hope it all works out. “It takes a great deal of work and messiness and compassion and time.”
Karen, Reader’s Digest
Just as you want to be in a healthy marriage, take the time to build a healthy family. The kids will have an incredible support team if you don’t rush the process.
Recap: Moving On After Divorce and Life As A Step-Parent
I hope you found this post helpful as you begin your journey of being a step-parent. It’s not always easy, but it can be so rewarding. As a step-parent, it is important to be genuine in your interactions with your stepchildren. This will help build trust and respect between you and your step-kids. If you are struggling with the role of a step-parent, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Download the SECOND CHANCES app today!
