I can not begin to tell you the times that I have wondered why things were happening the way they were in my life.
I am not talking about the things I caused by my actions or not preparing. Not “why did I not make an A on a test, when I only prepared enough for a C” or “why do I keep gaining weight when I ate half of a pie and did not exercise”.
I needed God more than I have ever needed him in my life, but I had no clue what to say to him or even what to ask for. I know God knew what I needed and could hear my heart, but I longed to have words. To be able to say how I felt and ask for what I needed.
I hope I am not alone when I say that I have questioned several times “What is my purpose in life?” I would wonder about it and even cried at times when I had no answer, like it was the answer that I had to find before I die.
Be the Woman That Requires the Effort: My Letter to the Women Who Did Not
Each time I would find out that my now ex husband had an affair during our marriage, I can honestly say that I did not blame the woman. That is not to say that I was not angry at them, but I blamed him more. My husband was supposed to be the one to protect me and our kids. Those women had no concern or connection to me or my family. They had made no promise or vow to love and protect me.
I stayed in the car and waited. After a few minutes he walked out with some flowers. Y’all, he had not planned any dinner and did not get anything for me for my birthday. We lived in a town that rolled up the streets when the sun went down, so the only place to eat was a place doing karaoke. Not only should this have been a big red flag for things to come, but it also was the start of my dislike of receiving flowers.
In February of 2016 Danny went to the doctor with some stomach pain that he had been having and thought he just had a bug that would not go away. He was diagnosed with stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. Danny passed away on February 9, 2017, almost a year to the date of being diagnosed.
If social media had been around in 2002, I would have posted this seemingly sweet picture of my son, Jayce, smiling and wearing his t-shirt from his mother’s day out program at our church. It would have gotten some likes and “he is so sweet” comments from his Granny. What was going on behind the camera was not so sweet.
“I Will Only Eat One Cookie” and Other Lies I Told Myself
It would always start with one lie. “I will eat one cookie and be fine”. Everything in moderation, right? Then as I was eating the next cookieI would say “I am going to exercise tonight and that will burn those cookies off”. Before I knew it I was eating number six cookie and saying “I am eating healthy and working out starting tomorrow, so I am going to eat like it is my last meal today”. Well, tomorrow came and so did the whole vicious cycle of me moving less and eating more.
“You are not the person I married”. I had heard my ex husband say this to me a few times in our 17 years of marriage. On one particular occasion I replied “I sure hope I’m not. I don’t want to be the person I was at age 23 when I am 39 years old”.
I have always struggled with self confidence, so it did not help when my first marriage I spent listening to my husband tell me who I was. I was called numerous things, including worthless. I didn’t know who I was, so after a while I started to believe that I was worthless.
I was an outward mess, but my inside was much messier. My brother was dying. This was most likely the last Christmas I would get to spend with him. No one at the mall knew this. They only saw an unkind, impatient, and unkempt person.
In February of 2016 my boyfriend (now husband) gave me a trip to California for my birthday. The trip was going to be in March. The very next week my brother, Danny, got diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.