It took me a long time to finally come to find healing after infidelity and the role that my ex-husband’s affairs had played. But when I did, it was like coming out of a fog. Instead of harboring grudges or feeling regret, I suddenly felt free, as though I had been released from prison. Here is what I said to my ex-husband’s mistresses.
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Healing after Infidelity – You Deserve So Much More
My ex-husband had multiple affairs, and I only knew of a few of them. I knew I wanted to reach out to his mistresses at some point. My desire was not to tell them how horrible they were, criticize them, or tell them how they contributed to the breakdown of a marriage.
I don’t suggest you do this. Wow! What a way for me to start this, right? Luckily, it turned out fine for me. I think because I was in the right place of healing after an affair and divorce.
The first time I knew I wanted to reach out to these women was after a specific therapy session. After finding out about another affair, I told the therapist I wanted to know why my then-husband picked who he picked.
My now ex-husband said, “I pick the ones that require no effort, the easy ones to get .”
His answer left me very sad. Not sad for myself, but for so many women. I was sad because they were me. While he was not in a relationship or married when we met, I had no self-esteem and did not believe I deserved much, so I was easy to get. As soon as I heard him say he chose women who did not require any effort, I wanted to hug the women I had hated so much.
After the separation, I wanted to reach out to these women to let them know they were not the only ones. I didn’t want to do this to hurt them, but I wanted them to know they deserved better. However, I knew reaching out to them, as my wounds were still healing, and some of the affairs were very recent, that anything I said could or would be taken wrong, and it seemed that I was bashing my ex-husband or them, so I waited for the right time.
The Note I Wrote From A Place Of Healing & Hope
Two years and seven months after our separation and two months after my divorce was final, I wrote the following letter. I sent it via Facebook Messenger to nine women I had names of who had interactions with my now ex-husband.
Some of you may know me, and some of you may not. Up until March 17, 2014 I was married to ****. We were married just short of 20 years.
I have waited a long time to send all of you a letter, but not for the reason that you all may think. There are 9 of you, but I am not so stupid to believe that there are not more.
Some of you had affairs with my husband, some of you flirted, some of you had a 1 night stand, and there is even 1 of you that shot his advances down.
I am not here to tell you how you hurt my family. I am happy that I was strong enough to finally leave and if it is in God’s plan for me, I will one day be blessed with an honorable husband.
What I am here to tell you is that you are worth more than an affair, worth more than being a 1 night stand, worth more than sleeping with a married man.
We, as women, are the role models for young girls. What has amazed me is that most of you have daughters. I can’t imagine that you would ever hope that a woman would put herself out there for your daughter’s husband. I can’t imagine that you would ever want your daughter to sleep with a married man. I was shocked that some of you even introduced your children to ****.
He told me that he would tell all of you that his marriage was on the rocks. That was not true. Do not believe a married man’s marriage is suffering until you see the signed papers and the divorce is final.
No matter how you feel about the wife, think about the children. My kids went through things that no child should have to go through. I have been very open with them and believe they will grow up to be wonderful husbands.
He also told the therapist and me that the way he would pick the women he would sleep with were the ones that required no effort, the ones that would sleep with him. Please, make a man work for you. For ****, it was never about YOU; you could have been ANYBODY. You are worth the effort.
Believe it or not, I felt sorry for you. Though, at the time, I raged at you in my head, loathed the look of you, wanted to spit each time I said your name, and shower each time I imagined the two of you together. I nonetheless felt a sliver of pity for you, because no one does this unless they value themselves so little that they settle for another’s scraps rather than demand respect and kindness. Or unless they are so delusional that they really believe that this is how true love manifests.
Had this letter been written a while ago, it would have been filled with hate and blame. That is not the case today. I believe women need to know their worth. My favorite verse is Proverbs 4:23 Protect your heart, for all things good flow from it.
To the one that shot down ****’s advances, I saw the conversations and repeated advances and I appreciate you. Women have to stick by each other and not try to tear each other down. I hope that all of you have found wonderful men now. Don’t forget to protect your heart, yourself, your family, believe in yourself, and know that you are worth more.
Cheryl
Now you are curious to know if I got any responses. Yes, I did. The first was from a woman trying to justify everything she did. The second response shocked me. She thanked me for sending the letter and apologized. Her response was, “I admire and respect you,” “I am sorry for my part in this,” and “I was very troubled and hurt many people, mostly myself .” We ended up having a very healing conversation, found closure, and have not communicated since.
Impacted by an affair and ready to find healing after divorce? Learn from my experiences.
You Can Find Healing After Infidelity and Divorce
As I write these words about a time in my life that was embarrassing and painful. But it feels as if I am speaking about someone else’s life. Now in my second chance life, life is peaceful, happy, and full of happy times. I know the formula for healing and rebuilding the life you want after divorce.
Inside my FREE VIDEO TRAINING, I provide a step-by-step guide to recovering, rebuilding, and creating the future you dream of having.
Take Control of your life after Divorce
The divorce rate for second marriages is higher than first-time marriages.
Why? Because of the baggage that comes from your past, blended families, co-parenting, and, most importantly, not healing and rebuilding correctly.
You are worth so much more than a man that wants what is easy. When you know your worth, love yourself, and can take care of yourself emotionally, financially, and physically, when a man comes along, he will know that winning your heart will require some effort.
